Reset

I spent a lot of 2017 being unhappy with myself.

Many feelings of resentment towards my body and feeling like moving to Smith Rock was a big mistake. I couldn't seem to shake the feeling of failure when it came to the choices I had made. The stereotypical "on the road" and "dirtbag" life is a lot harder than anyone admits to. Although it is idealized on social media, it can be rough. The choices that one makes to live “simply” can take a toll. The social scene changes so fast names become blurred words. Rarely people realize the lengths you go to get a pizza and a bath when living on the road. Life isn't easy.

With my experience at Smith Rock State Park, I almost had some sort of emotional scarring when it came to climbing. Climbing was no longer an outlet to find myself and feel good about myself. I was surrounded by people who climbed hard and only wanted to talk about climbing which I began to resent. My abilities embarrassed me and I really didn't find climbing fun anymore. I grew annoyed with those who wanted to make me climb and completely lost that passion. Everything that used to make me feel alive made me feel blank.

When I came back to Washington for a few weeks before we moved to Boise, I knew I needed an attitude adjustment. I tried to climb a little when we arrived in Boise at the gym, The Black Cliffs, and The City of Rocks. I just wasn't feeling it. I realized that I needed to focus on myself and that forcing a passion was triggering my depression and anxiety. It made me a person that I wouldn't have wanted to be around.

I joined the Downtown YMCA in Boise and immersed myself in just getting back in shape ( I was about 10 lbs heavier than I somehow told myself I needed to be). Being that Boise is a super bike friendly town, I made the most of my day by bike commuting to work. I spent my first month just doing cardio; lifting weights and yoga. Soon I decided I needed to step up my game and found that I loved the “Body Pump Classes” (kind of like Crossfit) and I started practicing Hot Yoga again. My boyfriend even noticed that I wasn't talking about the outdoors like I used to. I wondered if those days were over.

In December, we borrowed some cross country skis and overnighted at Stanley Lake (Sawtooth Wilderness) and I remembered that I loved the mountains. Not just the "try hard" of the mountains, but the feeling of calm. I am lucky to have Paul, he never has pushed me to do anything I am absolutely uncomfortable with but instead sticks by my side and supports my goals. We started hiking again and putting in endless miles around the Boise Foothills. It was a personal goal of ours for us to hike at least one day a week. I started going by myself for the first time in my life, going to Camelback after work, no matter how cold it was. Paul and I went to the crag here and there, but I opted to hang out instead of climb. I knew I couldn't force climbing on myself anymore. This was the year that I invested in a backcountry ski set-up and added that to my list of hobbies.

In March, we fell in love with our foster dog, Ellie. We knew she belonged to us and we were her perfect home. Ellie is wild and free and requires a lot of physical activity. One day on our hike with her around Polecat Gulch, I looked at Paul and said, "We should just run on the way down to get out her energy." I was in my hiking boots and had a backpack on, but Ellie wasn't getting what she needed. My form was terrible (I quickly learned) and was laughing at myself for thinking I could run. After that day, Paul and I decided it would be important to run with Ellie a few days a week. I watched all the videos about how to become a "trail runner" and focused on doing it right. In June, we ran 10 miles round trip around Stack Rock and I remembered; “I love this shit”. I love pushing my limits and the feeling of achievement afterwards.

Before we left Boise to move back to Washington, we took a 10 day trip to Stanley, Idaho to enjoy the Sawtooths. I was nervous about hiking 10 plus miles in a day. I had started as a day hiker but rarely had done anything over 8 miles in a day when I was in my hiking prime. The trip was amazing, we went on trails that were off the beaten path and one day even put in fifteen miles to see the most beautiful and secluded alpine lake I had ever seen. We were fast, even when we were simply "hiking". My confidence in my own abilities started to return. Sure, I noticed things that made me feel a little uncomfortable but knew that I just needed to get out more to boost my confidence in certain terrain.

Looking at the jagged peaks of the Sawtooths, I wondered why I had spent the past year doubting myself. I let it hold me back from getting outside. So much of how I validated my self-worth outdoors had to do with climbing and that was stupid. There are so many people (myself included) who get caught up on one hobby defining them and their worth.

What have I learned? Balance.

My passion for climbing is slowly returning but I have chosen not to push it too much. I found that I love trail running, skiing, backpacking, ice climbing, mountaineering and camping. Not only do I have all these things that I like to do in my free time but I have found a new passion that has finally pointed me in the right direction for a career. In a few months, I will be applying for a Master's in Teaching Program. I have always wanted to be a History Teacher in the back of my mind but now teaching will be a reality.

For me, the best thing I could have done for myself is force myself out of my comfort zone by simply going to Smith Rock. The people I have met have changed me and truly made me a better person. Sometimes you have to struggle to be stronger and better. I like to think I hit the reset button in October 2017, I refocused on myself personally and professionally.

I have slowed down on just going after mountain summits and hard rock climbing routes, because it wasn't fun. I've spent the past year just focusing on me and getting better mentally and physically. I still have my list of peaks that I hope to climb one day but if I don't it won't be the end of the world. 2018, is my reset year and I am not going to lie, I feel stronger than ever. Life is always changing, our passions change, and we change. That's what makes life so beautiful. Life isn't about showing off or showing everyone how cool you are, it's about feeling good in your skin.