Growth.

After scrolling through countless "look at all the awesome stuff I did in 2018," this week, I started to wonder if I had really accomplished anything this year?

My rock climbing was non-existent, I didn't climb any peaks, never found any ice, and don't remember the last time I strapped on my crampons and held an ice axe in my hand. We spent the majority of the year in Boise. I know this comment will offend many of my fellow Idahoans, but the access to the Sawtooths and other areas isn't one of ease. Not to mention, the Sawtooths are a secret treasure that not many locals want to share. The fact that we didn't have much extra money to fund adventures didn't help much either. So yes, I wallowed in my self pity and was disappointed in myself for a few days.

But 2018, was one of the biggest years of growth for me. I had to pick up the pieces from the shell of a person that I had become in Smith Rock. When 2018 started, I decided it was time to get back to the basics. To start doing the things that made me happy, to get rid of the things that no longer served me in a positive way. I started bike commuting to work, joined the gym (and found out how much I loved BodyPump), rescued our pup, Ellie, decided I wanted to get my Masters to be a teacher, and started to trail run and backcountry ski (well, ski in general).

To be completely honest, the love that I use to have for climbing has yet to return. I don't get excited anymore when I think about it. Perhaps, it was the overload at Smith Rock or the unrealistic pressures I put on myself that have caused the break up. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it, but I don't crave to do it like I use to. Lately, I feel the desire to boulder and find some easy sport climbs, but I haven't gone out of my way to make it a priority. But Paul did just put up a hang board for me, so to be continued. Instead, I have found new passions that I find to consume my time: trail running and backcountry skiing. Things t that I never thought I would never like, it turns out I love.

I love trail running. There is no desire to sign up for races, it is sacred to me and something that I share with those I love the most. It gets me to stop thinking, to relax, and grow to appreciate what my body can do. Not to mention, the abs that running can provide is a nice perk too. Running is empowerment, even when I think I want to give up, I keep pushing through. I have learned to let go of comparing myself to what others are doing and taking pride in the little improvements.

Skiing, now that is a scary adventure. But I am learning slowly to do what I haven't been able to do in rock climbing. I've learn to let go and to push my comfort zone. I spent most of last season pizzaing down the forest service roads of Boise. But this year, I am making turns and allowing myself to French Fry. In the past, I have too often given up because of my fear of the unknown. But I am not getting any younger, and life, it doesn't wait on anyone.

This year has been amazing. After looking at the adventures that filled my year, I do not think I am doing too shabby. In January, Paul and I cross country skied to overnight at Stanley Lake in the Sawtooths and camp at the viewpoint. We had the place all to ourselves the entire time we were there. Not many people can say that. We also got to spend a couple weekends at City of Rocks. I reconnected with my friend, Noelle and was lucky enough to spend a girls weekend backpacking in Sawtooths. Running most of the Spring and Summer in the Foothills of Boise was a treat, it provided the perfect training ground and a unique beauty that I don't get to see often. I bike commuted to work, which I think is pretty awesome. Right before we left Boise, we spent 10 days in the Sawtooths. We backpacked, ran on some trails, soaked in hot springs, and drank too many beers.

In August, we made the moved to Bellingham, promising to settle down for the next few years. I planned on getting my Master's in Teaching at Western Washington Univeristy and Paul would be working towards a degree in Nursing. We've loved the access to the mountains and the beautiful trails only minutes away to run in. But it just isn't home and WWU isn't where I will be going to school. It's funny how you spend most of our life trying to get away from what you grew up with. You have this idea that you have to escape your childhood and what you know. This transition has been hard, on both of us. Paul and I long to be "home". But in the end, you just want to go home.

Our lives have been full of transitions since we started dating almost three years ago. Most people would be shocked to know that Paul and I want to put down routes, have a home base. We have an idea of where that will be, and will share with those we love when we have a concrete plan. Right now, Paul is starting school and I am getting ready to start my Master's. It looks like we will be spending a few months this summer in Smith Rock too, while Paul guides for Smith Rock Climbing Guides again. I don't think Paul and I will every "settle" down with the climbing. We will be that old couple with a dog or two traveling around in the summer. I think it will keep us young.

2018, it was a good year, best? I don't know. How do you even measure that? None of us know how long we have left on this planet. So maybe it was the best, but I won't know until I am drinking whiskey with the big spirit in the sky. I am not disappointed with this year and what I have accomplished. I think I am pretty awesome and have some pretty rad things happening in my future.

Maybe some people even look at my Instagram and look at my pictures. Longing for my life. I won't lie, I am very lucky to have Paul. He is not only my partner in life, but my partner in my adventures. Which I think is pretty incredible, because most couples would kill each other if they spent so much time together. We genuinely love being together. I get to go outside a lot and am capable of a lot. Rescuing Ellie was one of the best moments of 2018. I have an amazing family unit and great friends. But I also have real life problems, my depression can get the best of me from time to time, my pain from Endometriosis can set me back, my relationship does go through tough times, we struggle with paying our bills, and sometimes we just want to do absolutely nothing.

I am not much of a resolution person. For me, 2019 is about setting more realistic goals instead of unrealistic goals. A few weeks ago, I set a pretty big goal that I have chosen to keep to myself until it is accomplished. I don't want to talk about what I want to be doing anymore. I just want to do it. I'd like to be kinder, more forgiving, and accepting. As well as, make some more close friends since I have been a little shut down for a few years. Whatever I do, I hope to it with love and kindness. I hope to make safe choices, be kinder to myself, and to follow through on things that are important to me.

Until the next adventure.